Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The book of Armageddon

The book of Armageddon has been found.

Behold on the 12th day of December 2012 the world will end as follows.

on the first day of Armageddon - the seven dwarfs (maybe six if they can't wake up sleepy) shall come forth from the darkness
wielding weapons both tiny and deadly. breaking the 13 sealed cans of tomato paste and unleashing the 4 teletubbies of the
epilepsy to reign down their horrible custard upon all non ninja.
on the second day of Armageddon - (we may have to repeat day one here if dopey is driving) the teletubbies of death call their
evil henchman to destroy all life, Darth Springer and his apprentice the Donald. the Donald will lure all into the evil
clutches of Darth Springer by firing them thus driving them to the unemployment line where Darth Springer awaits wielding
both deadly force powers and the one ring. only those wielding the magical mold spore medallions of greater salvation +5 will
be able to resist. sensing this Steve awaits in day three

on the third day of Armageddon - the teletubbies usher in untold pestilence by empowering Steve and his army of popples as
they stuff their head in their arse and roll over all who file for unemployment by phone thus escaping Darth Springer's

televised trap at the job services. the ears wrenching pop of the popples heads from their rectum awakens the Bert and Ernie.
Upon their untimely awakening they summon the nargals by performing their bloody bubble bath rituals chanting; "rubber duckie
your the one, you make bath time lots of fun, rubber duckie your the one for meeeeeeeeeee." while sacrificing Barnie on the
the Stone Table.

If it is to horrifying for you to imagine please skip to the end and drink the purple koolaide now as the alien ship is
currently docking with our air shield. If you missed the memo the access code is 1234

on the fourth day of Armageddon - the teletubbies demonstrate their demonic powers by reminding everyone that they destroyed
the Mayan civilization 1100 years ago preventing them from printing any further dates on their calendar thus inciting panic
in the minds of all non ninja who believe the evil cult known as the Staplers will their elite knights the Lan-court-neeers
will save them by satisfying the teletubbies thrust for hand churned custard.

on the fifth day of Armageddon - Armies prepare for battle as the staplers set out from Hogwarts on their Nuisance 2000s in
efforts to quash the last stronghold of ninja in Fantasia. Protected by their kageshu mascot spider pig and their supreme
leader Bob the touch feely house elf and all the powers of Isengard. Impending doom awaits all those on the battlefield as
both armies approach.

5 minute Intermission - if you do not wait 5 minutes then the world will end 5 minutes early for you. so please take 10
minutes if you need it, we will understand.

on the sixth day of Armageddon - as the armies of darkness and ninja collide and the battlefield runs purple with Koolaide the
staplers make a bold move and summon Jim Jones from the depts of PBS to tempt the ninja into loosing their hoods and casting
aside their mystical medallions leaving them vulnerable for the ultimate MMA attack, the care bear stare.

on the seventh day of Armageddon - as the weakened ninja fall back to helms deep their safe passage is secured as the care
bear stare reflects off the mystical mold spore medallions thus summoning John Travolta (undercover ninja) who dazzles the
Lan-court-neeers with the hustle giving the ninja time to prepare their real ultimate power while wailing on the guitar.

on the eight day of Armageddon - i can't, i just can't, its too gruesome to tell, all i can say is that the staplers were all

If you failed to drink the purple Koolaide then you have missed the mega-maid. do not fear for you need only need to stick out
your thumb and Marvin, the Paranoid Android will gladly pick you up. ps don't forget your towel.

on the ninth day of Armageddon - a false peace dawns and the ninja celebrate their victory and survival of the Armageddon but

in all the fighting and mass confusion on the battlefield they have lost track of the days. but behold the prophet Rodney
Dangerfield steps forth from the mist and proclaims, rest not for the end is neigh at hand and thou shalt have no respect, for
it is only the ninth day.

on the tenth day of Armageddon - the ninja systematically kick the crap out of the time keeper.

on the eleventh day of Armageddon - the ninja recoup from the lengthly pommeling of the timekeeper and seek guidance from their elder and astral guide "THE ASK A NINJA" and he proclaimed: 42

on the twelfth day of Armageddon - as the remaining 13 ninja ponder universal essence of 42 they realize the following;

2 = the number of epileptic henchmen employed by the teletubbies

4 = the number of teletubbies (tinky winky, lala, po, dipsy)
2 + 4 = 6, 6 being the number of dwarfs that actually ended the world as sleepy could not be aroused
2 * 4 = 8, 8 being the number of the day of the ninja victory over the staplers

6 + 8 = 14, 14 being the number of letters in the elite knights of the staplers the Lan-court-neeers

1 + 4 = 5, 5 being the length of a proper intermission

1 + 3 = 4, 4 being the number of male surviving ninja to the 9 female surviving ninja (good odds)

All totaling = 42

having seen the wisdom of "THE ASK A NINJA" the surviving 13 ninja summon the 12 golden reindeer to feast upon the multi-colored flesh of the teletubbies thus thworthed, bringing in the 5th age of man, the ninja realm where the 4 kings and 9 queens shall rule on high in Endore with the newly formed Nimh counsel

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